Glad you are sticking with me and my story, last year I lost the love of my life and along with him went away my hope to live. He loved western music pop ballads, psychedelic rock, hard rock, heavy metal, grunge and loved GnR, The Beatles, Cobain. I was total Bollywood.
However, in all my years from teenage, yes, we met each other as teenagers.
Wait don’t rush I will tell you that story too, just not today. Let the old lady roll with her own speed. So, we heard, sang, danced on all these songs, absolutely when we felt like.
Its not that we danced only to his tunes I even made him move on Shammi too.
Financially my life hasn’t changed much, after his demise. Thanks to his great financial planning. However, the void and loneliness are distressing. I live alone in this house, my maid comes twice a day to keep me company and do the cleaning and cooking chores, but eating alone is no fun. I have also stopped having tea which at one point and time was my life line. We both could have tea any time. He used to make the perfect tea, for my taste buds. Small and big there are so many fond memories that bring smile to my lips and tears to my eyes at the same moment. The simple things were so special with someone special, with the person who is there to pamper you, spoil you, love you unconditionally.
We were one of those couples who connected each other at a spiritual level, even in crowd we could find each other easily and without words we could read each other’s mind and eyes. We never went to any parties alone, we were our top priority even above our kids, so you can understand the complete emptiness in my day and night, I feel so lost inside out.
The grief will end only with me. He promised me it will be forever but then he left me alone here, its not his fault either.
Regular morning walk and exercise instead of making me feel better make me feel low, and bring me face to face with my grief and loneliness when I see so many couples our age walking together, he left me too soon. I still had so many things in my bucket list.
We started our life from zero and reached here, sometimes it was work commitments, some time kids or any other more important thing because of which we altered our so many plans. Yes, still we managed to tick most of the things we wanted to do together, and I am sure even if we would have lived hundred years together, I would have still wanted some more time from God for US.
My kids are settled abroad with their families, they do call me now and then to see if I am OK, but they have their own “yellow submarine” I understand that.
Isn’t it amusing, that one-time kids are our family, we live day in and day out as per them and when they fly out of the nest, they have their different family to which we are although integral yet distant part?
Aren’t we all in the “yellow submarine”, we have our own world, comfort still we are under immense pressure? Pressure to keep others happy, pressure to maintain our status in society, pressure to keep that high paying job that is giving you all the comfort and yes, the pressure of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. We have it all along with our own baggage’s. with you new generation kids I feel the pressure is even higher that it used to be at our times.
I am sitting here alone on my arm chair, listening to this song on the cassette player we purchased on Suvin’s 30th birthday. Hmm… you guessed it right his name is Suvin. He has a great collection of music cassette’s in his briefcase, whenever I miss him, I play one of them and doze of to sleep mostly with moist eyes.
Today seems dark however next story might be merrier.
This blog of part of #A2Z Challenge, there will be 26 blogs in this series all the blogs are in continuation. I am writing them from Z to A, as the story also flows from Death towards life. Hope you enjoy knowing Antara’s journey.
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